So much has happened recently that I feel I need to write, to get it down and out my system.
18months, 4 losses, a wedding and a burglary.
So much has happened recently that I feel I need to write, to get it down and out my system.
18months, 4 losses, a wedding and a burglary.
I thought I understood what the term ‘Mixed Emotions’ meant. I’m not sure I really did, but I think I do now.
On 19/06/2016 it was Fathers Day.
I made sure Charlie got Kev a card and gift (some Grumpy Pj’s) and I got a beautiful card from ‘With love from Josie’ (https://www.withlovefromjosie.com/) which had 2 Angel wings on and said from Alice and Olivia. I also put our family photo, from the girls spot, taken on on our wedding day in a Frame.
29th February 2016 I married an amazing man in front of our friends and family. It was a wonderful day after an exceptionally tough year.
We only had a small wedding, with 36 of our Family and best of friends at the Registry office followed by a yummy meal at a wonderful restaurant. My bouquet was a brooch bouquet made by a very talented friend and was made from lots of Star and butterfly brooches for our girls, I even had pictures of them round the stem. My son and father walked me down the isle and our best friends were witnesses.
I think Pictures speak volumes and my very talented Step brother took some amazing photos which I’m going to share. We even went up to see our girls and had a family photo, I think they may be some of my favourite photos of the whole day. Although the Polaroid pictures our guests took, came out amazing and so much fun!
It really was a wonderful day full of hope and love and happiness. I do wonder how we were able to be that happy after losing Alice and Olivia, but I think its because of them that we got married, they made us see things differently and realise what is really important.
So here are some pictures of our awesome day where we became Mr & Mrs!
PS I LOVE being married 🙂 Think that is the best bit about the whole thing!
I started this blog as a way of writing down my thoughts and feeling and getting them out of my system in an attempt to help me heal. I haven’t been doing that recently and I have noticed a massive difference in my mindset and my moods. This is not going to be a good, happy for positive post , I am afraid. This is post to get it out of my system so I can move forward again. The only problem is that I don’t know where to start……
I am not happy right now, I am down right grumpy, all the time. I’m not laughing or joyful or positive. I am grumpy, I am desperate to be pregnant, I am jealous, I am feeling angry about things , I’m feeling forgotten, I am sad and mostly I am missing my babies.
I am surrounded by pregnant people in all aspects of my life and its so hard to be around them and their joy and positive outlook. Everyone is so happy for them and excited and no one wants to acknowledge that it could go wrong. Sometimes I do feel like what happened to Alice and also Olivia is forgotten. They may have moved on, but we haven’t, we have to live with the pain and the hole in our life everyday. Every time people talk about meeting their babies and the future they are going to have it feels like a knife to the heart, a reminder of what we lost. I smile and nod along and join in the conversation as much as I can but I can only take so much before I have to shut down or walk away.
I wish them all well and I would never ever want them to experience what we have experienced,no parent should have to bury their babies, but seeing their happiness and seeing them moving toward the future we, so badly, want hurts, it hurts a lot and brings out the worst in me sometime. There are times when it is very hard to keep that Green eyed monster at bay, to stop myself screaming “SHUT UP, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW JEALOUS I AM OF YOU” but I do keep it at bay, just about, and then I cry on my husbands shoulder.
It’s sad that sometimes I feel like Alice and Olivia are already forgotten, that some people expect us to have moved on already. How do you explain to those who don’t understand that you will never ‘move on’ and most defiantly never forget? We will move forward but we will always include our girls in our life, even if we are eventually blessed with our Rainbow baby, we will never forget or ‘move on’.
I got upset at work the other day as some people were talking out their birth stories and having their babies early. All I could think was ‘be thankful you had them early and they arrived safe’ knowing that if I had given birth to Alice earlier she might be with us. It was also sad that I couldn’t join in, i have my own birth story, I gave birth to Alice just like they did their babies and it was not an easy birth, but I feel awkward talking about it as my birth story did not have the happy ending that it should have done, I don’t fit in to that Mummy group, I belong to a different Mummy group, the mummy of angels group, the mummy’s who are trying to be mummy’s again but are finding the journey an unfairly difficult one.
We are ttc again, we have been since 3 months after we lost Alice, that is nearly a year of trying to get to our rainbows end and we have been faced with tragedy after tragedy .1st we conceived Olivia but lost her at 14 weeks in August 2015, then we lost Bean at 7 weeks in December 2015. Now, as much as I want to be pregnant, I am terrified. I have anxiety around the idea of scans as I have now had 3 scans where I have heard the words ‘I’m so sorry…’ I’m not sure what hearing that for the 4th time would do to me. Its an odd feeling being terrified of the one of things you want most in the world.
People also seem to forget me and my husband have now been trying to have a baby together for 3 years. I had my mirena coil removed in 2013 and it took nearly a year of ttc to fall pregnant with Alice only for us to lose her right at the end. This has been a long journey so far with no happy ending in sight. This makes it so frustrating sometimes,. to see other fall pregnant like its n big deal. Its like another kick in the teeth inflicted by life/karma/universe.
This lack of positive thinking is leaking into all aspects of my life as well, I am unsatisfied at work and feel stuck and unchallenged. Its not enjoyable and I’m fairly certain I am not a bundle of joy to work with at the moment. Its hard to be stuck when you have spent the last year trying to move forward.
I’m hoping I can get back my positivity and be more myself again. I need to remind myself of my intentions I thought about back when I was doing the ‘Capture your grief’ project. I spoke about how I wanted to be how I wanted to live, I wanted my life to have a positive impact on the world and I feel like I have forgotten that. There is a song with the line “In this world where we live, there should be more happiness” and I need to remember that. I need to try and look for the good and happy things in my life, for the beauty in the world and try and refocus on the positive. When all these babies arrive I need to try and keep my jealously at bay and think about how awesome it is that there is new life in the world.
I do feel better for getting some of what’s going on with me out there and I’m sure this won’t be the last post like this as I work out how to live in this new normal. I need to remember to not bottle it up, to write about it and to be gentle on myself. To remember I am still healing and that is not a short journey. I need to remember to see the beauty and the good. It’s a big ask of myself but I have done it before and so I know I can do it again.
Today marks Alice’s 1st Birthday.
Wow, how has a year gone by already? How is it a year ago that I gave birth to our gorgeous and perfect sleeping girl. Our 9bl 15 much wanted and loved girl. She was born on 15th February 2015 at 3.07 am after a particularly difficult birth.
Today we took balloons up to her spot and wrote messages on them and released them. Except ours went wrong and the knot untied and so our balloon didn’t fly off to Alice, it stayed with us. It’s now going to into Alice’s memory box and will be a silly story to tell from her birthday, like the story of how she is buried with her shoes on the wrong feet J The chaplain who dressed her put them so the bows showed, but that meant they are on the wrong feet and we didn’t have the heart to tell him, so she is buried with them like that and the memory of that makes me giggle.
We also had cake. Not just any cake but a star shaped chocolate cake made by a very good friend.
Family and friends joined us to release balloons and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and eat cake and lots more sent messages. It reminded me how we are surrounded by so much love and support by beautiful people.
We have always looked on the positive throughout this whole journey so far and Alice’s birthday was no exception. We knew we wanted something good to come out of the sadness of losing her and so in the run up to her birthday we had a Justgiving Crowdfunding page set up to raise money in Alice’s name to donate to the Maternity Ward to help them in their project to refurbish the Bereavement room.
This is the room where we spent 4 days, birthing and making memories with Alice. Where family came to meet her at her blessing and we had cuddles and talked to her all the time.
Our fundraising target was £200, we didn’t want to ask a lot of people as they had already given so much, and we thought they may donate £5 or £10 at the most. However as midnight came on 13th February the total raised hit £1000.00. I was floored by people’s generosity, strangers and friends alike all gave more than I could ever have imagined. They helped us to be able to donate a substantial sum to the hospital in Alice’s memory for her Birthday. They helped create something good out of our loss.
All of this reminds me of all the good in the world, of all the love and support and the beauty of people. I have found that since losing Alice I see the beauty and good in the world much more than I ever did before. I take the time to appreciate the sunrise, or the pretty flowers or the falling snow. I like to think of and try and see the good in people, the good they do. So thank you my beautiful girl for changing me, for making me more appreciative and loving and grateful.
Happy Birthday Alice. Shine bright my little star, we love and miss you so much xxxxxxx
Olivia was due yesterday, 11th February 2016, Instead the date on the headstone, she shares with her sister. reads
Olivia Lucy Emmott-Myles
Born Sleeping 19th August 2015
She was out much wanted and missed Rainbow baby but was just too excited to be with her sister.
Im glad they are together, but i wish they were with me.
Fly high my little butterfly xxxxx
A year ago today I was 39 weeks pregnant. I bought the last things for baby (we didn’t know I was carrying a girl) and was excited to meet them.
A Year ago today I was 4 days away from having my world ripped apart.
A Year ago today, I was 5 days from meeting my beautiful baby.
And I loved meeting Alice, it just wasn’t how I envisioned or hoped it would be. There were tears, but not of joy. Tears of all engulfing sadness.
A year ago I was still in that world of blissful ignorance where babies didn’t die 4 days before their due date, at full term. My world was a different place then, I was a different person then.
I’m struggling with the run up to Alice’s 1st birthday, I almost wish Monday was here already so I could just get through it and be on the other side of the event. To know that I will be ok and I will survive. To know what I will feel and act like.
I know I have to see family and friends as they love Alice as well and want to mark her 1st birthday but there is part of me that wants to just hide under the duvet all day and cry my heart out. I’ve wanted to do that lot over this last year, but Kev won’t let me. Sometime I cold hate him for that, but mainly I am grateful that he dragged me thought the dark times and back into the light. I may have been kicking and screaming at times but he got me there.
A friend reminded me that we have dealt with everything head on and taken the emotions full force and that has got us thought so far, and they are right, that’s what we have done for everything and what we will do tomorrow (Olivia’s Due date) and Sunday (anniversary of finding out Alice had died) and Monday (Alice’s Birthday). However it is exhausting, every day is a battle and so hard and it is draining and it seems like there will never be an end to that. I know it will change and I will learn to live with the grief better and it will take less effort to be ‘OK’ but for now, I’m tired and I want a break from being OK.
Maybe I will allow myself some time to hide under the duvet, I think I can be allowed that. Not too long, but long enough to have a good cry and wallow in the sadness for a little while and build up the ‘I’m ok’ face. A little time to allow myself to fully embrace missing my girl and what that means. A little time to not be strong and ‘OK’, to crumble and then build myself back up.
Then I will pick myself up and I will put one foot in front of the other and I will move forward. I will smile and remember my little girl. I will see her in the sun and the snowdrops and I will make sure that I live a life that is good and a reflection of the beauty and love that my daughter bought into my life.
I just wish I could go back to a year ago.
This week, one year ago, I was gearing up to go on Maternity leave. I was Fat, happy & excited. My bags were all ready, so was the nursery, all we needed was baby.
Oh how my life has changed since then. Little did we know that 3 weeks later, our world would be turned upside down but not quite as we had hoped for. There would be no screaming baby, just silence and stillness and total devastating heartache.
I remember, like it was yesterday, how happy I was. How embarrassed I was when everyone piled into the office with flowers and presents and a card for me and baby. How John (The boss man) gave a speech and gave me a huge hug and wished me luck. How I was planning to come visit with baby as soon as I could.
The toy that matches out nursery theme is still in there, just waiting . The Baby carriage Pandora charm, in its little white box in Alice’s Memory box, along with the card. Its bitter sweet to remember. To remember how huge I was, how she was feisty little girl who loved a good wiggle, to remember how filled with joy and promise my world was.
It is still a world filled with Joy and promise but its all a little tainted now. There will always been someone missing, there will always be that ache from within when I think about what should have been. I have events to look forward to, but I have to fight back the overwhelming waves of grief that threaten to overcome me when I think too hard about how Alice should be there, how there are so many beautiful little girl clothes out and she would have looked beautiful in them. I like to think she would have been a dresses kind of girl. I would have let my inner girly girl loose on dressing her.
One good thing is that one year on, i am not sat at the same desk I was. I am in the same team at work, doing the same job, but not in the same office or same desk. so it feels a little different. I will be working right up to the weekend of Alice’s 1st birthday, so things will be different to last year when I was napping in the morning, after the school run and getting the house ready and meeting friends for lunch.
We won’t be doing Valentines day. In fact our gifts/cards to each other are still where we left them last year after my waters broke early int he morning of the 14/02/2015. I remember joking with Kev on the drive to the hospital that I didn’t want a valentines baby, esp as everyone had said ‘ooohhh it could be born on Valentines day’ when we told them baby was due on the 17th Feb. You will never know what I would give to have had her alive and crying on the 14/02/2015. not not have heard those words, that even now make my heart stop.
One year on I am changed, but not how I thought I would be.
To my pregnant friend,
Please do not take it personally if I’m awkward around you or not as chatty as I may once have been. It’s not personal, in so much as it’s not about you or anything you have done or said but seeing you is hard. Seeing your bump and your happiness and excitement about your baby reminds me of how much we lost when we lost Alice and then Olivia. It reminds me of how excited and happy I was this time last year, I used to say I was fat and happy and loved it.
I had that wonderful nievity and certainty that you have in a pregnancy before the experience of a loss and I see it in you now and I’m jealous that I will never have that again. I will never have a pregnancy of just pure joy and excitement (with the obvious pregnancy woes), if I fall pregnant again it will a anxious and terrifying pregnancy. There will be no preparing for baby, no excited shopping, no baby shower, no imagining life after their birth, because it’s too hard. How could I knowing what I know now?
This Christmas has been so hard. I say I’m ok when asked, but I don’t tell you my smile is fake, that I cried at least 3 times on Christmas day because not having Alice there hurt so much. I wouldn’t normally share that when we got home we went through Alice & Olivias memory boxes and I cried my heart out sat on the floor with their things. It was so good to look through them but it hurt do very much.
This Christmas was meant to be so different, and it was, but not the way I hoped it would be when I was fat and happy last year.
So please don’t be offended if I’m awkward or quiet around you, my pregnant friend, you just remind me of an old me and a life I didn’t get to have. I hope you get your happy ending, I would never wish a loss on anyone, but please understand sometimes it’s hard for me to see and participate in. Give me time, I’ll be there in my own way and my own time.
Your awkward and quiet friend xx