18 Months, 4 Angels

So much has happened recently that I feel I need to write, to get it down and out my system.

18months, 4 losses, a wedding and a burglary. 

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With this Ring, I thee Wed

29th February 2016 I married an amazing man in front of our friends and family. It was a wonderful day after an exceptionally tough year.

We only had a small wedding, with 36 of our Family and best of friends at the Registry office followed by a yummy meal at a wonderful restaurant. My bouquet was a brooch bouquet made by a very talented friend and was made from lots of Star and butterfly brooches for our girls, I even had pictures of them round the stem. My son and father walked me down the isle and our best friends were witnesses.

I think Pictures speak volumes and my very talented Step brother took some amazing photos which I’m going to share. We even went up to see our girls and had a family photo, I think they may be some of my favourite photos of the whole day. Although the Polaroid pictures our guests took, came out amazing and so much fun!

It really was a wonderful day full of hope and love and happiness. I do wonder how we were able to be that happy after losing Alice and Olivia, but I think its because of them that we got married, they made us see things differently and realise what is really important.

So here are some pictures of our awesome day where we became Mr & Mrs!

PS I LOVE being married 🙂 Think that is the best bit about the whole thing!

Getting it out of my system

I started this blog as a way of writing down my thoughts and feeling and getting them out of my system in an attempt to help me heal. I haven’t been doing that recently and I have noticed a massive difference in my mindset and my moods. This is not going to be a good, happy for positive post , I am afraid. This is post to get it out of my system so I can move forward again. The only problem is that I don’t know where to start……

I am not happy right now, I am down right grumpy, all the time. I’m not laughing or joyful or positive. I am grumpy, I am desperate to be pregnant, I am jealous, I am feeling angry about things , I’m feeling forgotten, I am sad and mostly I am missing my babies.

I am surrounded by pregnant people in all aspects of my life and its so hard to be around them and their joy and positive outlook. Everyone is so happy for them and excited and no one wants to acknowledge that it could go wrong. Sometimes I do feel like what happened to Alice and also Olivia is forgotten. They may have moved on, but we haven’t, we have to live with the pain and the hole in our life everyday. Every time people talk about meeting their babies and the future they are going to have it feels like a knife to the heart, a reminder of what we lost. I smile and nod along and join in the conversation as much as I can but I can only take so much before I have to shut down or walk away.

I wish them all well and I would never ever want them to experience what we have experienced,no parent should have to bury their babies, but seeing their happiness and seeing them moving toward the future we, so badly, want hurts, it hurts a lot and brings out the worst in me sometime. There are times when it is very hard to keep that Green eyed monster at bay, to stop myself screaming “SHUT UP, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW JEALOUS I AM OF YOU” but I do keep it at bay, just about, and then I cry on my husbands shoulder.

It’s sad that sometimes I feel like Alice and Olivia are already forgotten, that some people expect us to have moved on already. How do you explain to those who don’t understand that you will never ‘move on’ and most defiantly never forget? We will move forward but we will always include our girls in our life, even if we are eventually blessed with our Rainbow baby, we will never forget or ‘move on’.

I got upset at work the other day as some people were talking out their birth stories and having their babies early. All I could think was ‘be thankful you had them early and they arrived safe’ knowing that if I had given birth to Alice earlier she might be with us. It was also sad that I couldn’t join in, i have my own birth story, I gave birth to Alice just like they did their babies and it was not an easy birth, but I feel awkward talking about it as my birth story did not have the happy ending that it should have done, I don’t fit in to that Mummy group, I belong to a different Mummy group, the mummy of angels group, the mummy’s who are trying to be mummy’s again but are finding the journey an unfairly difficult one.

We are ttc again, we have been since 3 months after we lost Alice, that is nearly a year of trying to get to our rainbows end and we have been faced with tragedy after tragedy .1st we conceived Olivia but lost her at 14 weeks in August 2015, then we lost Bean at 7 weeks in December 2015. Now, as much as I want to be pregnant, I am terrified. I have anxiety around the idea of scans as I have now had 3 scans where I have heard the words ‘I’m so sorry…’ I’m not sure what hearing that for the 4th time would do to me. Its an odd feeling being terrified of the one of things you want most in the world.

People also seem to forget me and my husband have now been trying to have a baby together for 3 years. I had my mirena coil removed in 2013 and it took nearly a year of ttc to fall pregnant with Alice only for us to lose her right at the end. This has been a long journey so far with no happy ending in sight. This makes it so frustrating sometimes,. to see other fall pregnant like its n big deal. Its like another kick in the teeth inflicted by life/karma/universe.

This lack of positive thinking is leaking into all aspects of my life as well, I am unsatisfied at work and feel stuck and unchallenged. Its not enjoyable and I’m fairly certain I am not a bundle of joy to work with at the moment. Its hard to be stuck when you have spent the last year trying to move forward.

I’m hoping I can get back my positivity and be more myself again. I need to remind myself of my intentions I thought about back when I was doing the ‘Capture your grief’ project. I spoke about how I wanted to be how I wanted to live, I wanted my life to have a positive impact on the world and I feel like I have forgotten that. There is a song with the line “In this world where we live, there should be more happiness” and I need to remember that. I need to try and look for the good and happy things in my life,  for the beauty in the world and try and refocus on the positive. When all these babies arrive I need to try and keep my jealously at bay and think about how awesome it is that there is new life in the world.

I do feel better for getting some of what’s going on with me out there and I’m sure this won’t be the last post like this as I work out how to live in this new normal. I need to remember to not bottle it up, to write about it and to be gentle on myself. To remember I am still healing and that is not a short journey. I need to remember to see the beauty and the good. It’s a big ask of myself but I have done it before and so I know I can do it again.

xx

CYG Day 2

Alice Nancy Emmott-Myles 15.02.15

Today marks Alice’s 1st Birthday.

Wow, how has a year gone by already? How is it a year ago that I gave birth to our gorgeous and perfect sleeping girl. Our 9bl 15 much wanted and loved girl. She was born on 15th February 2015 at 3.07 am after a particularly difficult birth.

Today we took balloons up to her spot and wrote messages on them and released them. Except ours went wrong and the knot untied and so our balloon didn’t fly off to Alice, it stayed with us. It’s now going to into Alice’s memory box and will be a silly story to tell from her birthday, like the story of how she is buried with her shoes on the wrong feet J The chaplain who dressed her put them so the bows showed, but that meant they are on the wrong feet and we didn’t have the heart to tell him, so she is buried with them like that and the memory of that makes me giggle.

We also had cake. Not just any cake but a star shaped chocolate cake made by a very good friend.

Family and friends joined us to release balloons and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and eat cake and lots more sent messages. It reminded me how we are surrounded by so much love and support by beautiful people.

We have always looked on the positive throughout this whole journey so far and Alice’s birthday was no exception. We knew we wanted something good to come out of the sadness of losing her and so in the run up to her birthday we had a Justgiving Crowdfunding page set up to raise money in Alice’s name to donate to the Maternity Ward to help them in their project to refurbish the Bereavement room.

This is the room where we spent 4 days, birthing and making memories with Alice. Where family came to meet her at her blessing and we had cuddles and talked to her all the time.

Our fundraising target was £200, we didn’t want to ask a lot of people as they had already given so much, and we thought they may donate £5 or £10 at the most. However as midnight came on 13th February the total raised hit £1000.00. I was floored by people’s generosity, strangers and friends alike all gave more than I could ever have imagined. They helped us to be able to donate a substantial sum to the hospital in Alice’s memory for her Birthday. They helped create something good out of our loss.

All of this reminds me of all the good in the world, of all the love and support and the beauty of people. I have found that since losing Alice I see the beauty and good in the world much more than I ever did before. I take the time to appreciate the sunrise, or the pretty flowers or the falling snow. I like to think of and try and see the good in people, the good they do. So thank you my beautiful girl for changing me, for making me more appreciative and loving and grateful.

 

Happy Birthday Alice. Shine bright my little star, we love and miss you so much xxxxxxx

 

Olivia Lucy Emmott-Myles

Olivia was due yesterday, 11th February 2016, Instead the date on the headstone, she shares with her sister. reads

Olivia Lucy Emmott-Myles

Born Sleeping 19th August 2015

She was out much wanted and missed Rainbow baby but was just too excited to be with her sister.

Im glad they are together, but i wish they were with me.

Fly high my little butterfly xxxxx

Baby emmott-myles
Our Angel baby bean